i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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