Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
