someone threw a dead crab at me
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she pinky promised me she was 18
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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