I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
