what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
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It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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