Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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