dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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