Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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