There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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