im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
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