the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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