id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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