You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
