I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
