I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
