I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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