So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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