I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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