please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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