May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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