I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
