There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
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