Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
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Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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