I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
