The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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