Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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