it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my being single is dangerous.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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