Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
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I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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