I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm both gender and math confused
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
