I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
