I'm going to jail i love you
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
