i jhust puked up my retainher.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
