i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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