Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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