I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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