I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
