Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
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i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
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Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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