Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
