why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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