I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
