i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
