Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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