Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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