Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Even my vagina gasped.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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