New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
