Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
