cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
