it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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