I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
