just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
