I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
