I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
