At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
