how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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