He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
