The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
