My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
