Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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