OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
