your parents love me but you hate me
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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