I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
