pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
