barbara walters just said penis...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
