Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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