Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
